the baggage of abuse

Candy, 25, is a survivor of child abuse and feels strongly inside that it is harmful to be forced to talk about abusive experiences once you have healed. She explains that being a survivor of abuse is shameful - it's not something you want the world to know about and if someone does find out about it you feel ashamed when they want to talk to you or other people about it.

"Sure, it's a personal badge of honor to have survived abuse," explains Candy, "but it is not a badge you wear in public. Also, feeling shameful is not the same in my mind as feeling ashamed because the former involves an element of disgust about someone abusing your body or mind, and the latter involves guilt for having done something you know was wrong."

"The abusers and predators of this world deliberately sniff out survivors of abuse and delight in exposing whatever hell they went through," sighs Candy. "They know - and you know - that you are a gentle, sensitive soul who is vulnerable to abuse. If you were not born like this - genetically predisposed to abuse - you would never have been abused in the first place."

"Nobody entirely forgets these things - you just learn to live with them - so you remain vulnerable, and especially so when you are going through some other life stress," says Candy. "When someone decides to rake up the past and accuse you of being 'in error' or 'unhealed' when you are dealing with normal stressful life situations, they are messing with your mind and don't know what hell they are unleashing."

"Similarly, to accuse formerly abused people of being 'in error' or 'unhealed' because they don't like being reminded of the abuse they once suffered - or have no desire whatsoever to return to any sort of relationship with their abusers - is grossly insensitive," says Candy. "And for someone to gloss over the abuse, discount it, deny it or infer in any way that it never happened, is just another form of abuse."

"It is very sad that those who wish to deny that the holocaust happened have forced the Jews to become fighters - continually reminding the world of the atrocities against them under the Nazi regime in Germany," sighs Candy. "It would be better for them, more healing for them, if they could be left alone to forget and get on with their lives."

"I can appreciate that there exist many abuse survivor support groups - some of which take to the streets on marches against domestic violence or violence against women generally," says Candy, "but, that sort of thing is also the result of ongoing abuse and a male dominated society's denial of the magnitude of the problem."

"Faced with denial from those around you - and ongoing abuse - you're forced into becoming a fighter," says Candy, 'but underlying the fighting spirit is a deep sense of shame."

"Because of this shame, many abused people don't tell anybody about it," explains Candy. "They heal themselves and hope that nobody ever discovers the shame of their past."

"When you're forced into a situation where someone wants to remind you of something that happened many years ago - something you've virtually forgotten," says Candy, "you re-experience the shame, and then you feel angry and abused all over again."

"Some people try to escape the shame of abuse by making huge changes in their lives - sometimes moving to the farthest reaches of the world," adds Candy, "but there's always something or someone there to remind you. And, if you try to make a new life before you've completely healed, you risk carrying that baggage with you."

dirty old men

When the Josef Fritzl story hit the headlines Bernadette shuddered with disgust at what that monster had done to his daughter, Elisabeth, and she thanked her lucky stars that her own encounter with a dirty old man was with a cousin, not her father, and that it only involved one instance of inappropriate sexual contact rather than 24 years of incarceration in a cellar being raped repeatedly.

"It only happened once when I was about six years old," says Bernadette, "and I remember the incident well because I was staying with my uncle and aunt while mom was in hospital having my baby brother."

"My cousin Michael was 19 - thirteen years older than me - so he wasn't a kid like me."

"My aunt made up a bed for me in the living room and Michael and I watched television until late."

"He explained all the shows to me and made me laugh," says Bernadette, "and I didn't mind him kissing me goodnight - I thought that was a nice thing for him to do as I was missing mom badly."

"I stayed there for a week and while my uncle and aunt were at work during the day Michael looked after me."

"He didn't have a regular job - he was a footballer - and he took me to his football practice some days, then we’d walk along the beach, but most times we’d just stay home watching television."

"One day he called me into his bedroom and asked whether I'd like to play doctors and nurses," says Bernadette.

"It wasn't exactly doctors and nurses because we didn't have a third person to be the patient so he let me be the doctor and I had fun bandaging his foot."

"Then he took a turn at being the doctor and said that I had a tummy ache he needed to look at," relates Bernadette, “and that’s when the inappropriate sexual contact happened.”

Read more by Bernadette on this subject:

predatory cousins

dirty family secrets

For the Fritzl stories read:

locked up living fritzl dolls

Elisabeth Fritzl’s Amazing Survival

Rosemarie Fritzl Wasn’t a Fat Housefrau

Austria’s Aryan Heritage

Elisabeth Fritzl Locked Up For Smoking

Secrets of Elisabeth Fritzl’s Age

Secrets of Josef Fritzl's Age

Elisabeth Fritzl’s Neighbors

child poisoning access visits

Athena’s ex-husband prosecuted the most humiliating post-separation counter offensive on her by hooking up with another woman, making her pregnant, and treating the new lady as badly as he had her -- and in doing so their little boy's life was ruined during access visits in which attempts were made to poison the child’s mind against her.

"Another woman, a 'stepmother', and a ‘step-sibling’ on the way, would bring more dangerous elements into a separation situation that was already volatile - and it most certainly did," sighs Athena. "From then onwards my child was once again exposed to domestic violence - a situation I had separated from his father in order to protect him from!"

"One time, they abducted the child and refused to return him home to me - necessitating a protection order from the court," says Athena, "and their relentless attempts to poison the little boy's mind against me was horrendous.”

“Imagine how badly I felt when the child came home and said things like 'daddy says you are going to be dead soon' and 'daddy says you are bad mommy' and on one occasion he came home with an envelope of his toenail clippings saying 'daddy told me to give this to you’ – suggesting that I am not taking care of him properly, as if I have time to even cut my own toenails regularly!”

"I never, ever, asked my son anything about his time with his father and his new woman – I refuse to call her a stepmother," says Athena, "but I never failed to listen when he came home upset and wanted to tell me something.”

“Within a few months my little boy came home saying things like: 'I saw daddy pushing her and she was crying' and 'why is she always angry with me?' and 'she wakes me up by tearing the blankets off me' and 'she told me she hates my father and is going to leave him'."

“Then I knew my son was in danger,” says Athena, “but the court had ordered access visits and there was nothing I could do about it.”

"Even when my little boy came home with cuts and grazes I could do nothing," says Athena. "During his time with me I would never let the child out of my sight, but twice in his father's care he had accidents requiring hospital treatment. What sensible adult puts a child on a bike and leaves him unaccompanied to cycle around a public park sharing a road with cars?”

"I seriously believed at one stage that the man – or the stepmother - was trying to kill my child," sighs Athena, "but how can I go to the police or child welfare without evidence, just suspicions?”

"By hurting my son - exposing him to dangerous situations and poisoning his mind against me," says Athena, "that man was hurting me more than a physical assault on me would, and he knew it."

“And by bringing a new woman – a stepmother – into the mix, as well as another defenceless little child – that man was destroying everyone.”

Read more of Athena’s story:

declarations of war

shifts of power in family relationships

Kari, 44 and divorced, accepts that people who have absolute power over us - our parents when we are dependent children, and our governments and employers when we are adults - must be obeyed; but she most certainly does not accept that adult children in supposedly equal relationships with us must be obeyed.

"The dynamics between my son and I developed a similar pattern to those between his father and myself after the divorce," explains Kari. "There was a gradual shift in power - no doubt because he was male and considered himself to be superior to me."

"When the actions or decisions of people with absolute power over us serve them, but hurt or inconvenience us, we just have to adapt, pick ourselves up and got on with it," says Kari. "What else can you do when you have no power in these relationships?"

"As adults, though, we are afforded equal power and equal responsibility in all of our relationships," says Kari. "When the actions or decisions of these people serve them, but hurt or inconvenience us, we have the right of choice. We can adapt to their decisions if we want to - and choose to relinquish our power to them - but we can also choose to leave the relationship on the basis that it no longer operates in a mutually enhancing manner."

"Abuse in marriage is most likely to occur when the woman becomes pregnant," says Kari. "There is a shift in power when she becomes vulnerable and responsible for another little life. In these situations, if abuse occurs and the woman has no other means of support then she must necessarily relinquish her power in order to protect herself and child. This, essentially, is what I had to do when I fell pregnant."

"Nobody marries and has kids expecting abuse and misery, but if the worst scenario happens then we must take our fair share of responsibility for it and take appropriate action when we can," says Kari. "Once an abusive relationship starts, it never stops. Nobody who wants absolute power gives it up willingly. When an abused woman attempts to regain her share of the power in the relationship, the abuse escalates."

"I believe that some people are just power-hungry, incapable of maintaining a relationship affording equal power and equal responsibility," sighs Kari. "They want a master-slave relationship. I'm sure it's a genetic trait."

"Separation or divorce is the time-honored ethical and legal remedy for any type of abusive relationship - not just marriage," says Kari, "and it's for the good of both parties and anyone else on the side-lines. An abuser who has usurped absolute power in a relationship, though, is incapable of accepting this outcome and often murders those he considers his property or continues to hassle his victim forever."

"You read about it in the papers every day. Whole families being murdered by a crazed man - an ex-husband, an adult son or grandson - who just can't let go, can't accept that other people have equal rights in a relationship."

"Family relationships are the scariest of all," sighs Kari. "Controlling, possessive parents make lousy parents, and mothers, particularly, need to be extremely patient and ego-free during their children's adolescent years. But controlling and possessive teenagers and adult children can be a big problem, too."

"A relationship between adults that is not based on equal power and equal responsibility is not a relationship worth having, no matter who it is," says Kari. "After the divorce, my young son attempted to gain absolute power over me, just like his father did, but at the time I was 'trapped' by societal expectations of motherhood - I had to grit my teeth and put up with it until he was legally an adult."

"By then, I had good reason to fear all men," says Kari, "and it would have been far too dangerous for me to keep an abusive adult son living with me."

"Since he left home, I've noticed a gradual shift of power in our relationship - this time towards equality," says Kari, "so all may not be lost after all. And it just goes to show that two people must be on equal footing - with no 'traps' or 'societal expectations' or 'vulnerabilities' making one person less equal than the other - in order to have a good relationship."

the meddlesome cousin

Gabrielle is 32, a survivor of an abusive family as well as a violent ex-husband, and for the past four years she has been doing well on her own - getting her life together - but lately she has been feeling very uneasy about a long-lost cousin turning up in her life.

"I received a letter out of the blue from this cousin a few months ago," explains Gabrielle, "and immediately I felt uneasy. Just the fact that she claimed to be a 'born-again Christian' rang warning bells, but there was more to it than that."

"I should have ignored her letter and got on with my life," sighs Gabrielle, "but out of courtesy I replied wishing her well with her new faith and future aims. Apparently, she was studying some psychology course part-time and wanted to become a therapist."

"It's true what they say about giving people an inch and they'll take a yard," laughs Gabrielle. "She followed up my reply with a telephone call and wanted to see me."

"I just didn't want to see her at all," sighs Gabrielle, "but she was so sweet and full of Christian joy and fellowship that I felt bad about refusing her request."

"She and I had shared some good times in the past," explains Gabrielle, "and despite the mostly bad times we had experienced in the family it seemed a shame not to give her a chance."

"I felt a bit uneasy with her when we met because although she was living with her boyfriend I had a feeling that she still remained part of the abusive extended family network that I'd escaped from years ago."

"She said nothing about them - she just talked about herself and her boyfriend and what she wanted to do with her life," explains Gabrielle, "but I still had a nasty gut feeling in her presence and was glad when she left."

"In the following weeks she left several messages on my answering service that I ignored, hoping she'd not call again," says Gabrielle, "but last weekend she caught me off guard and turned up at my place and presented me with a chocolate cake as a bribe!"

"Within minutes of her surprise visit it was pretty clear that she was trying to ingratiate herself - and by association everyone else - back into my life," says Gabrielle. "Either that, or maybe she wants to use me as some sort of case study for her psychology course."

"This time around she quite blatantly talked about the family and how she had forgiven them," explains Gabrielle. "And she brought up all the good times we had together. And all the while she was watching my reaction to everything she said, going on and on about the blessedness of forgiveness and the sanctity of family ties."

"It was nice reliving the good times, but I could not believe that this cousin of mine was actually sitting there in my living room saying sweet things about people who had abused her as well as myself - and expecting me to share her sanctimonous beliefs."

"Then, I was absolutely aghast when she told me that since her last visit with me she had spent the holidays with the family and had met and spoken with my father!"

"At the mention of his name I fell to pieces remembering with shame and humiliation what that man had done to me, and I was angry at her for pushing herself into my life - and my peaceful Saturday afternoon, at that - in order to rake all this stuff up. As far as I am concerned my father is dead - gone, buried and forgotten - and nobody has the right, nobody, to shove him back in my face."

"At first I thought she was crazy - in delusion from some religious or psychological dogma she had picked up," explains Gabrielle, "and maybe that is true - but there was more to it."

"She had several times mentioned how well I was doing - and had asked about property values and whether I had a mortgage and stuff like that."

"Maybe they are jealous of how well I am doing and want a piece of the action or - at the very least - to deprive me of my enjoyment of my labors?"

"Anyway, the crunch - for me - came when she left," explains Gabrielle.

"As she gave me a hug and kissed me goodbye she casually mentioned that my ex-husband was back in town, living just two suburbs away and she and her boyfriend had spent time with him just a few days before."

"This was no throw-away remark - this was the knife she wanted to stick in me."

"My ex-husband was a violent religious freak with fundamentalist ideas about the place of women and the rights of men in marriage," explains Gabrielle. "It wouldn't be hard for him to convince any religiously minded person that I was a bad woman for divorcing him."

"From her first visit my meddlesome cousin had picked up enough information from me to feed the hunger of all of my ex-abusers," sighs Gabrielle, "and on her second visit she came to let me know - in a very subtle fashion - that she had relayed everything about me to them."

"If the girl is crazy she may think that she is on a mission from God to make good all of my past bad relationships," says Gabrielle, "but whether she is crazy or just downright evil is neither here nor there."

"It's how I feel that matters," says Gabrielle, "and I feel bad about letting my cousin back into my life and allowing her to meddle in things that don't concern her, riding roughshod over my right to live a secure and peaceful life free of people I don't want in it."

"She had the gall to call me again and I told her straight that I didn't want any further contact with her."

"She said she was terribly hurt by my decision - but would respect it," says Gabrielle,"but I know better than that. Peace is something I've had to fight long and hard for in the past - and I know instinctively that I am now going to have to fight long and hard for it again. It was stupid of me to ignore my gut feelings when I received her letter, and it serves me right that I allowed her - and those behind her - to succeed in upsetting my life."