easing the pain with alcohol

Tulsa is now 21 and has had a troubled relationship with an alcoholic mother ever since her father walked out on them ten years ago.

"Their marriage wasn't a happy one," explains Tulsa, "and after the divorce my mom took to the bottle to ease the pain."

"I've sort of been her 'carer' ever since I was a kid," says Tulsa, "but rather than being thankful she treated me badly as if I was the cause of dad leaving us."

"I left home a few years ago and she has been hassling me ever since," says Tulsa. "After a particularly bad call from her - raking up memories of when dad walked out on us -I nearly hit the bottle myself."

Not wanting to end up like her mother, Tulsa decided it was time to lay it on the line.

"I telephoned her cell phone but she didn't answer," explains Tulsa, "so I left a message for her to call me urgently."

"When she returned my call I told her that she was driving me to drink and that if she ever made a nagging call to me again she needed to be mindful of the consequences," says Tulsa. "I told her that if ever she placed me in a position where I had to choose between my health and happiness or a relationship with her based upon nagging, blame, coercion, abuse and continual raking up of the past, then she wouldn't win."

"She sounded contrite when I confronted her," says Tulsa, "but when she had the cheek to cut the call short, saying that the return call was costing her money, I suddenly remembered that when she made the initial call it was from a pay phone at the local shopping center - not her cell phone - and I did think it odd that she chose to speak on the phone rather than visit me like she usually does."

"I thought at the time that maybe she was scared I'd ask her to do something for me - or maybe she didn't want to see pity in my eyes," says Tulsa, "but maybe she deliberately chose the pay phone because she fully intended to have a long conversation with me, longer than she was prepared to pay for on her cell phone, and did not want to face me when she said what she wanted to say. Not only a coward, but a mean one!"

"A letter setting out what she wanted to say would have been less threatening - allowing me time to compose myself and give a thoughtful reply," says Tulsa. "But I suppose she wanted to surprise me and hear my pain - and didn't want to leave any written evidence of the incident."

"It occurred to me that she probably didn't care whether I was drinking or not - indeed, whether I was dead or alive," sighs Tulsa. "Alcoholics and drug addicts are like that - totally selfish - and that's a sign, I suppose, of what I can expect in future."

"I put her out of her mercenary misery as quickly as I could by telling her not to call me again unless she genuinely cared about me and wanted a mutually happy relationship with me," says Tulsa, "and she seemed happy to end things like that."

"The most optimistic outcome of the confrontation would be a better relationship with my mother," says Tulsa, "but I'm certainly not holding my breath. I meant what I said about ending my relationship with her if she continues to upset me."

child poisoning access visits

Athena’s ex-husband prosecuted the most humiliating post-separation counter offensive on her by hooking up with another woman, making her pregnant, and treating the new lady as badly as he had her -- and in doing so their little boy's life was ruined during access visits in which attempts were made to poison the child’s mind against her.

"Another woman, a 'stepmother', and a ‘step-sibling’ on the way, would bring more dangerous elements into a separation situation that was already volatile - and it most certainly did," sighs Athena. "From then onwards my child was once again exposed to domestic violence - a situation I had separated from his father in order to protect him from!"

"One time, they abducted the child and refused to return him home to me - necessitating a protection order from the court," says Athena, "and their relentless attempts to poison the little boy's mind against me was horrendous.”

“Imagine how badly I felt when the child came home and said things like 'daddy says you are going to be dead soon' and 'daddy says you are bad mommy' and on one occasion he came home with an envelope of his toenail clippings saying 'daddy told me to give this to you’ – suggesting that I am not taking care of him properly, as if I have time to even cut my own toenails regularly!”

"I never, ever, asked my son anything about his time with his father and his new woman – I refuse to call her a stepmother," says Athena, "but I never failed to listen when he came home upset and wanted to tell me something.”

“Within a few months my little boy came home saying things like: 'I saw daddy pushing her and she was crying' and 'why is she always angry with me?' and 'she wakes me up by tearing the blankets off me' and 'she told me she hates my father and is going to leave him'."

“Then I knew my son was in danger,” says Athena, “but the court had ordered access visits and there was nothing I could do about it.”

"Even when my little boy came home with cuts and grazes I could do nothing," says Athena. "During his time with me I would never let the child out of my sight, but twice in his father's care he had accidents requiring hospital treatment. What sensible adult puts a child on a bike and leaves him unaccompanied to cycle around a public park sharing a road with cars?”

"I seriously believed at one stage that the man – or the stepmother - was trying to kill my child," sighs Athena, "but how can I go to the police or child welfare without evidence, just suspicions?”

"By hurting my son - exposing him to dangerous situations and poisoning his mind against me," says Athena, "that man was hurting me more than a physical assault on me would, and he knew it."

“And by bringing a new woman – a stepmother – into the mix, as well as another defenceless little child – that man was destroying everyone.”

Read more of Athena’s story:

declarations of war