Santa stepdad was a common thief

While he was alive, Annette would never say anything bad about her stepfather but his recent passing acted as a floodgate for her feelings about him. The man everyone knew as the jolly giant - the guy who always played Santa at Christmas - was nothing more than a common thief whom her siblings had protected for all of his life, mainly for her mother's sake.

"My stepdad was always bringing things home," says Annette, "and I always thought that all dads, real or step, did the same thing - and that there was nothing extraordinary or criminal about him - until one day I heard him arguing with mom about a suitcase he had given her."

"I was about eleven years old," explains Annette, "and old enough to understand what was going on."

"Bringing home surprises like a new television set, a set of wrist watches, or a crate full of fruit or canned food wasn't suspicious," says Annette, "but a suitcase full of soiled women's clothes was something else."

"My stepdad worked on the railways and was away quite a bit," says Annette, "and I suppose his job brought him into contact with lots of freight and baggage."

"He argued with mom that the suitcase was lost property," says Annette, "but she didn't want a bar of his latest gift and demanded that he take it back and hand it in to the lost property office."

"After a while, he cajoled her into accepting the suitcase," says Annette, "and I watched as she sorted through its contents. The woman who owned the suitcase must have just returned from a holiday because it was full of crumpled summer clothes and swimsuits."

"There was a funny smell on the clothes and mom was disgusted."

"Nevertheless, she put everything into the washing machine and started wearing some of the better dresses."

"I couldn't imagine how my mom could wear something that belonged to another woman," says Annette, "but she had married a man who once belonged to another woman, and my real dad had done the same with a new woman, so I don't suppose it bothered her too much."

"I often wondered what would happen if she bumped into the suitcase owner when she was wearing one of the stolen dresses."

"Dad moved from the railways into insurance when I was older," says Annette, "and he'd often boast about scams that he operated."

"I'm no angel, "admits Annette. "I stole a few things from supermarkets when I was growing up - and took money from my mom's dresser - but there was always a line, if only a fine one, between what I did and what my stepdad did."

"He was a professional thief, an habitual thief, a scammer and a fraudster," explains Annette. "My thievery was just a kid thing, something that was a bit exciting at the time, but that's all."

"I could no more steal someone's suitcase then I could scam someone out of money," sighs Annette. "And I don't mean to say that my stepdad was a bad man. He wasn't. He was a good father. But his values were different to mine."

"Had I not seen those clothes in the suitcase and imagined how I'd feel if someone had stolen my clothes I might never have seen my stepdad as anything other than Father Christmas."

dirty family secrets

Bernadette thinks every family has a dirty secret like hers - sometimes even worse secrets – and she wants the term pedophilia to be changed because it does not convey exactly what pedophiles are.

"Most people love children - but pedophiles don't love children in the same way that Anglophiles love England and Francophiles love France," says Bernadette.

"Pedophiles abuse children like my cousin Michael abused me,” explains Bernadette. “They are adults who abuse their position of power to destroy innocence for their own perverted sexual gratification."

"Michael joined the army shortly after abusing me and I didn't see him again until his wedding day five years later - when he was 24 and I was 11 - and he completely ignored me."

"Mom was close to her sisters and I hated it when she dragged me to visit the aunt I didn't like," says Bernadette. "I'm sure my aunt thought I had forgotten what her son did to me - that at the age of six I couldn't possibly remember what had happened - but I remembered everything. It's not something you can forget."

"As soon as I left home at 18 I drifted away from my family and made my own friends."
"The best thing about being grown up is that you don't have to visit aunts and cousins you hate," says Bernadette.

"I suppose in a way I am avoiding my mom and everyone else in the family because of what happened to me when I was six years old," explains Bernadette, "but it's mostly because I just don't need a family any more."

"I get annoyed when mom telephones and asks me to visit," says Bernadette. "I'd rather not have close ties with her because she always wants to talk about her sisters and my cousins."

"I'm not interested in them," explains Bernadette, "and I don't care about them any more than they ever cared about me."

"Neither my cousin nor my aunt ever said 'sorry' to me," says Bernadette. "I suppose they thought a 6 year old girl wasn't a human being deserving of respect."

Read more by Bernadette on this subject:

predatory cousins

dirty old men

family punishment

As Ronnie’s parents were belting her with a leather strap, tying her up or sending her to bed without any food, they ignored her cries and told her that she didn't know what real suffering was; Ronnie said the exact same thing to her kids on the rare occasion she slapped them; and what will her children say to their children now that it’s against the law to punish a naughty child?

"I was born during a time when children were expected to be seen but not heard," explains Ronnie. "It was a time when cruel, vicious and arbitrary punishment of children was acceptable - even practiced in schools - and I can still remember getting thrashed at home and school for petty misdemeanors."

"Looking back, the worst punishment I doled out to my children was slapping my eldest daughter's face - and screaming like a mad woman at my youngest." sighs Ronnie. "I'm not proud of those two bad incidents - I guess I lost it - but on the scale of punishments it was chicken feed. They were both adolescents at the time and deserved a whipping for what they'd done, but being a doormat mom I usually just copped their misbehavior on the chin. I guess when you don't have some sort of regular punishment going on, you're liable to lose it."

"Up until my children entered the adolescent rebellion stage I really enjoyed parenting," says Ronnie, "and after that it was a real drag. You look forward to having a good adult-adult relationship with your children when they turn 18, and I did have it for a time with my daughters, and it's disappointing how things panned out, but hey, you just pick yourself and get on with life."

"When you're an adult, you're free to choose whatever life you want to lead," says Ronnie, “and I’d hate to be a parent in today’s PC world, where you can’t even touch a naughty child.”

"And thank God for divorce,” says Ronnie. “A broken home is better than broken bones, and there would have been plenty of those had I not ended my marriage when I did."

Read more about Ronnie:

broken home victims?

adult kids rake up the past

wives and moms are property?

mom is a pathetic nobody

At 19, Salome lives at home with her parents and while she is devoted to her father, with whom she discusses her medical research career, she openly denigrates her mother as good for nothing apart from housewifely duties.

"My mother lives for her husband, home and children and has no personality or life or interests of her own," says Salome, "and when we all leave her, as we invariably will, she will wither and die as a pathetic nobody. I don’t want to end up like that."

"Married women are losers - housewives or superwomen freaks - and they’re pathologically afraid of facing themselves in freedom," laughs Salome. "I aim to be a winner, and to be a winner I need to remain single and childless and I am only staying at home because it’s convenient and I enjoy discussing my work with my father.”

"I had a clear and very early desire not to be burdened with children and a permanent partner," explains Salome, "and while I don't have a desire for celibacy I appreciate that a lot of women do."

"Many young woman choose the single lifestyle until a ticking biological clock propels them into wedded bliss," adds Salome, "and many more older women make single life a permanent lifestyle choice after experiencing a miserable marriage or relationship."

"Basically," says Salome, "single independent women differ from other single women in that they are not looking for a partner. I’m not, and if that makes me selfish and hedonistic then that's too bad. I'm simply making a rational choice for my life."

Salome also sees the difference in terms of personal fulfillment.

"I have so many things that I want to do with my life that love, children and marriage just don’t figure in my life at all - now, and in the future," says Salome, "but, who knows, maybe a fast ticking biological clock will change my mind down the line. I'll think about that when I get there!"

At 19, Salome is still living at home with her parents. This fact, in itself, could delay her development but she is devoted to her dad, particularly, and sees no reason to live alone when she has such a loving and supportive homelife with her parents.

"Yes, of course," says Salome, "I’ve experienced being in love, but I don’t see it as a precursor to marriage. It’s something to be enjoyed for the brief madness that nature intended it to be. I say ‘madness’, because when I was in love I was totally irrational!"

"No matter what the superwomen say," laughs Salome, "there is no way any woman can be a good wife and mother at the same time as pursuing a rewarding and challenging career and making the most of herself."

"Often," explains Salome, "girls look at their middle-aged mothers and say openly, or quietly to themselves - ‘there’s no way I want to end up like that’."

"Either they see a woman -- very likely to be single through desertion or divorce -- who is struggling to make ends meet on a paltry income from a menial job and whatever dreams these women had will remain dreams forever." says Salome. "Or, they see a woman who is dominated by a man and has no personality or life or interests of her own."

"My mother lives for her husband, home and children," says Salome, "and when we all leave her, as we invariably will, she will wither and die as a pathetic nobody. I don’t want to end up like that."

Salome admits that she is only staying at home for as long as her father lives. When he dies, she would not want to live with her mother and become burdened by caring for the old woman.

"The worst type of mother, though," says Salome, "is a chemically controlled superwoman who thinks she has it all together and yet is a borderline schizophrenic because of the double life she leads."

"This type of woman is feared by all at home and work and her performance on both fronts leaves much to be desired. I don’t want to end up like that, either!"

For a girl to choose single bliss, Salome feels that her primary role model - her mother - almost always falls within one of the above three caricatures of women.

"There's the loser, the housewife and the superwoman freak," laughs Salome. "I aim to be a winner, and to be a winner I need to remain single and childless."

Also, for a girl to choose the single independent lifestyle, Salome feels that the girl herself must have a very strong personality and sense of self.

"I know what I want and what I don't want," says Salome, "and I go after one with determination to succeed and the other with determination to avoid at all costs."

"And, yes," admits Salome. "There are costs."

"Choosing a single independent lifestyle is not always a piece of cake," confesses Salome.

"When choosing wedded bliss a girl understands, or should understand, what the costs are - the main one being her freedom to do whatever she pleases, whenever she pleases, with whomever she pleases."

"Similarly, when choosing the single independent lifestyle a girl understands, or should understand, what the costs are - the main one being loneliness later in life. Also, in a coupled society, a single girl - especially when she gets older - can suffer social ostracism, a feeling of not fitting in."

Seeing so many of her friends married before they were twenty and divorced within a few years - some with little children dragging them down - gives Salome additional reason to stay blissfully single.

"Single women with a couple of children in tow are not exactly living the type of life I want," says Salome, "yet there is no reason why a woman cannot enjoy independence from men at the same time as enjoying motherhood."

And lesbians?

"Sexual orientation doesn't matter," explains Salome. "Lesbians are either attracted to coupled bliss or single bliss just like heterosexual women are. And single bliss doesn't mean an absence of a good sex life. It simply means that sex does not take precedence in my life."

"If this means that single independent women are not highly sexed then that may very well be true," she laughs.

"More likely, though, they channel their drive like I do into a far more productive and fulfilling area than the bedroom."

Salome is a student medical researcher working on the cutting edge of bio-technology. Her work is contributing towards a massive change in the quality of human life, and it’s something she could not do easily with a husband and a baby in tow.

Her decision to remain living at home is very much tied up with her work. She doesn’t have time to keep a place of her own. It’s convenient to stay at home. And she likes coming home and discussing things with her dad, too.

"Basically," says Salome, "single independent women enjoy their work and enjoy their own company. I work and study for hours on end all by myself. I’m either looking at books or looking into microscopes. I have to be focused to do what I do."

Despite living at home, Salome is self-sufficient. She is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and she is rarely bored.

"Yes, of course," admits Salome, "I do get lonely just like everybody does - even married women - yet I know, just by looking around me, that the unhappiest women are those trapped in straightjacket marriages."

Nothing is more important to Salome than freedom.

"If this means that I am selfish and hedonistic or, perhaps, pathologically afraid of losing myself in relationship with another, then this could very well be true, too," laughs Salome.

"Yet, if this is true then married women are selfless and boring or, perhaps, pathologically afraid of facing themselves in freedom."

Frightening logic, isn't it?

breeding monsters

Delilah is 52, married with grown up children living independently, and she blames her generation for breeding the monsters who are how taking over the workplace, pushing out older workers, and generally treating older people with contempt, believing that they are the rightful masters of the universe.

“My adult children have more or less turned their backs on my husband and I since they left home, well educated and set up thanks the sacrifices we made for them,” says Delilah, “and judging by the way the young things at work treat me, I suspect that all Baby Boomers are responsible for breeding these monsters and we should blame ourselves, not them, for how these kids turned out.”

"Whereas we came from families of four of more children, and learned to share," explains Delilah, "we tended to have one or two children and we either spoilt them to death or left them to their own devices while we did our own thing."

"They grew up with a sense of self-importance, selfishness and ruthless determination that we, their parents, lack,” says Delilah, “and most times I am really scared to call my children, because they clearly don’t want to know us and have no need for us in their lives any more.”

“Frankly, I am worried about growing old with people like my children in charge of the world.”

Read more about Delilah:

ageism and bitter pills

bitter pills and empty nests

pushed into early retirement

daughter raised to take care of mom

Ruth is 35, unmarried, childless and lives with her arthritic mother, 72, as her caregiver and claims that she was raised to put her mom’s needs before her own.

“When I was a little girl my mother would hurl invective at me, calling me useless and stupid,” says Ruth, “but what really hurt was listening to her telling me over and over again that I was ugly and that no man would ever want to marry me.”

“When you hear things like when you’re a little girl, and you hear them often enough, they stick,” says Ruth. “Mom was manipulating me from the start to ensure that when I grew up I had no other choice in life but to stay with her and take care of her in her old age.”

“Now that I’ve lost my job and she is becoming abusive again – demanding that I get another job quick smart and keep her supplied with little luxuries – I can see the basis of our relationship so much clearer,” says Ruth. “She doesn’t care about me, she just cares about herself.”

“Recognizing a pattern is the first step in breaking it,” says Ruth, “and now that I have gained insight into my toxic relationship with my mother I know that I need to take care of myself first and foremost.”

“My mother never had a problem taking care of herself first and foremost – especially at the expense of a little girl, me, who she should have been cherishing not treating as a doormat to be her slave in old age,” says Ruth, “and while I have no wish to be vindictive, I am definitely using this period of my life – when I don’t have a job to distract me – to sort things out with her for once and for all.”

“My mother has abused me for far too long,” says Ruth. “My survival depends upon believing in myself and being with people who support a positive outlook on life, because without it I can easily slip into irrational guilt and suicidal thoughts.”

Read more of Ruth’s story:

suicidal caregiver


do self-help books trump friends?

self-help books boost survival

between job vulnerability

victimized then fired

dirty old men

When the Josef Fritzl story hit the headlines Bernadette shuddered with disgust at what that monster had done to his daughter, Elisabeth, and she thanked her lucky stars that her own encounter with a dirty old man was with a cousin, not her father, and that it only involved one instance of inappropriate sexual contact rather than 24 years of incarceration in a cellar being raped repeatedly.

"It only happened once when I was about six years old," says Bernadette, "and I remember the incident well because I was staying with my uncle and aunt while mom was in hospital having my baby brother."

"My cousin Michael was 19 - thirteen years older than me - so he wasn't a kid like me."

"My aunt made up a bed for me in the living room and Michael and I watched television until late."

"He explained all the shows to me and made me laugh," says Bernadette, "and I didn't mind him kissing me goodnight - I thought that was a nice thing for him to do as I was missing mom badly."

"I stayed there for a week and while my uncle and aunt were at work during the day Michael looked after me."

"He didn't have a regular job - he was a footballer - and he took me to his football practice some days, then we’d walk along the beach, but most times we’d just stay home watching television."

"One day he called me into his bedroom and asked whether I'd like to play doctors and nurses," says Bernadette.

"It wasn't exactly doctors and nurses because we didn't have a third person to be the patient so he let me be the doctor and I had fun bandaging his foot."

"Then he took a turn at being the doctor and said that I had a tummy ache he needed to look at," relates Bernadette, “and that’s when the inappropriate sexual contact happened.”

Read more by Bernadette on this subject:

predatory cousins

dirty family secrets

For the Fritzl stories read:

locked up living fritzl dolls

Elisabeth Fritzl’s Amazing Survival

Rosemarie Fritzl Wasn’t a Fat Housefrau

Austria’s Aryan Heritage

Elisabeth Fritzl Locked Up For Smoking

Secrets of Elisabeth Fritzl’s Age

Secrets of Josef Fritzl's Age

Elisabeth Fritzl’s Neighbors

gawking tourist shame

Although her negative childhood media experience was not as shocking and traumatic as that now being experienced by Elisabeth Fritzl’s children, Peyton’s whole life has been shaped and hardened by it and she cannot see how Elisabeth’s children can ever come to terms with the shame of their birth and cellar existence – especially if they remain in Amstetten to be gawked at forever.

"My parents were dirt poor losers – the family of seven lived in an old school bus in the backwoods – and I felt extreme shame when the family’s circumstances were reported in the local newspaper and tourists arrived to do some gawking, to see how the other half lives."

"As a result of spending my childhood being bitterly shamed and traumatized by this experience", says Peyton, "I became a materialistic snob and have no compassion whatsoever for people living in similar circumstances to the one in which I grew up."

"It wasn't so much the poverty that traumatized me," explains Peyton, "as the fact that our noses were rubbed in it by the rich people."

"I became shockingly aware of my family's extreme poverty at the age of four," says Peyton.

"A couple of newspaper reporters with cameras turned up where we lived and asked us a lot of questions and took a lot of photos."

"I was the second youngest kid in a family of seven," sighs Peyton, "and we all lived in an old school bus in the backwoods."

"We had no water, no cooking stove and no sewerage," says Peyton. "My parents weren't hippy types who believed in living as close to nature as possible - they were just dirt poor losers."

"I don't know whether my parents called the reporters or whether our family was just chosen at random, sighs Peyton, "but I do know it must have been one of those 'no news' days for our story and photos to appear on the front page of the local newspaper - with headlines 'look how the other half lives!'"

"My parents were actually proud of appearing on the front page of the paper and having tourists come and gawk at us," sighs Peyton, "but even though I was just four years old I felt really ashamed of being exposed like this."

"The photo that appeared on the front page showed us all at a window of the bus - and it's horrible and pathetic to see seven scruffy faces, mine included, grinning out at the world from that old school bus we called home."

"Nothing good came from that exposure," says Peyton. "My parents weren't given a proper house and we didn't receive any goodies either."

"All my parents received were several copies of the newspaper and a copy of each of the photographs that were taken that day."

"They pinned those photographs on the walls of the bus and I grew up feeling more and more hateful of my circumstances than ever."

"As far as I could see, my family had been publicly humiliated for the titillation of bored newspaper readers," says Peyton.

"Our miserable existence had been exposed for no other reason than to make the rich and the middle-class people feel good in comparison to us."

"When I started school I realized the extent of how much the people in town despised us for being poor."

"I hung around with the other poor kids and hung my head in shame like they did."
"I went through school with a burning desire to escape from all this," says Peyton. "And that chance came when my big brother made good in another state and invited me to come live with him and his wife."

"They bought me new clothes and cut my hair and when I started my new school nobody knew who I was and where I came from It was the new start I needed - and it allowed me to make good too."

"They say that poverty breeds strong entrepreneurial kids," laughs Peyton, "but it also breeds kids with huge chips on their shoulders."

"I won't be getting married and I won't be having kids," says Peyton, "because as far as I can see most families are just a fine line away from poverty - all it takes is a bit of bad luck - and poor people really do exist in our affluent society to make the rest of us feel good about ourselves."

"When I look at poor people I despise them just like rich people despised me when I was a snot-nosed kid living in a bus."

Check out these stories about the Fritzl family:

Elisabeth Fritzl’s Amazing Survival

Rosemarie Fritzl Wasn’t a Fat Housefrau

locked up living fritzl dolls

Austria’s Aryan Heritage

Elisabeth Fritzl Locked Up For Smoking

Secrets of Elisabeth Fritzl’s Age

Secrets of Josef Fritzl's Age

Elisabeth Fritzl’s Neighbors

Was Rosemarie Fritzl Blameless?

Patrice not only raises the question of Rosemarie Fritzl’s negligence in relation to breeding and raising children with a convicted rapist and sex addict, but she also exhorts all mothers to open their eyes, take note of any changed behavior in their children and to let them know that they can talk openly about anything – especially secrets with daddy or male relatives – which is something that Rosemarie’s children could not do.

“No mother of little girls wants to consider the possibility that her partner, the father of her children, could look upon them with lust,” says Patrice, “but my husband was so over-sexed that I most certainly did think of this possibility and took precaution at all time with my daughters.”

"Whether we wanted to have children or not, and whether we hold down a full-time job or not," says Patrice, “the law may say that parenting is an equally shared responsibility but we all know, deep down, that mothers are 100% responsible for their children’s welfare, especially their daughters

“What sort of relationship did Rosemarie have with her 11-year old daughter that Elisabeth could not turn to her for help -- was she jealous of her pretty daughter?” asks Patrice. “And why did she repeatedly take in Elisabeth’s dumped babies without demanding that the authorities track her down, check on her welfare and discover who the father was (for birth certificate reasons if not child support payments)?

“Didn’t Rosemarie speak to other women or come across any media material dealing with male sexuality?” asks Patrice. “Didn’t she know that a lot of men fantasize about incest, and when the opportunity presents itself -- especially when they have no other outlet -- they are likely to act out these fantasies?”

"In that pretty little Elisabeth was first raped by her father at the age of 11, right under her mother's nose -- and this despicable situation continued until the girl was incarcerated in the cellar at 18 despite repeatedly running away and being returned by the authorities -- I believe that Rosemarie was particularly derelict in her duty towards the child because she not only must have discovered, as I did, that her husband had an abnormal sexual appetite but also, in view of his previous conviction, she knew without a doubt that he was perfectly capable of rape and no pretty young girl was safe to be alone with him -- particularly in his own home -- and having more brains or decency than her mother perhaps this is why Elisabeth did not allow her friends to meet her father.”

“We may never learn the truth about Rosemarie, but whatever it is, her reconciliation desire never to be parted from Elisabeth again is a scary prospect of yet another period of filial bondage for the unfortunate daughter."

Read more by Patrice on this issue:

locked up living fritzl dolls

hunks, trunks and living dolls

Josef Fritzl and Sex Addiction

the bearded man in the sky

empty nest divorce time

Rosemarie Fritzl a Protective Crab?

what’s civilized about western men?

fritzl wives

rosemarie fritzl's bad decision

the cliff richard generation

dependence enables evil

are sex addicts evolutionary dinosaurs?

incest horror

the cliff richard generation

When the horrific Josef Fritzl story hit the headlines around the world, Patrice was immediately taken back to her childhood - a time when Cliff Richard was crooning about living dolls being locked up in a trunk, a time when men were masterful, women were submissive, nobody believed little children when they told about daddy's dirty little sex game (or the priest’s), western male men thought they were superior and civilized and the bearded man in the sky looked down upon us all and was pleased.

“The Cliff Richard generation was the one before the baby boomers – loosely covering those born 1935 to 1945,” explains Patrice, “and being born right in the middle of this generation I remember it with mixed feelings.”

“Everyone’s childhood in this generation was overshadowed by a terrible war,” says Patrice, “and everyone’s teenage years were blighted by the brutal patriarchal values of an older generation that hushed up wife bashing, child sexual abuse and abominable attitudes towards women.”

“The boy band baby boomers swept aside all of those values – along with crooners like Cliff,” says Patrice, “but feminism and the sexual revolution came too late for women like me – and Rosemarie Fritzl – who married straight from school, never knew the independence of working and whose sole purpose in life by then was to have babies and do what their breadwinning husbands told them to do.”

“I am independent now, and so glad that younger women have opportunities and freedoms that I missed out on,” says Patrice, “but my whole life has been blighted by a childhood that was ruled by the brutal values of the generation before mine.”

“I have a special dislike of men my own age and older because they still act as though they ‘own’ women and can do what they like with them,” says Patrice, “and what happened in the Fritzl family is more common than most people believe.”

“The Cliff Richard generation is totally out of step with modern values and is fraught with psychoses.”

Read more by Patrice on this issue:

locked up living fritzl dolls

hunks, trunks and living dolls

Josef Fritzl and Sex Addiction

the bearded man in the sky

empty nest divorce time

Rosemarie Fritzl a Protective Crab?

what’s civilized about western men?

fritzl wives

rosemarie fritzl's bad decision

Was Rosemarie Fritzl Blameless?

dependence enables evil

are sex addicts evolutionary dinosaurs?

incest horror

locked up living fritzl dolls

When Josef Fritzl’s horror hit the headlines around the world, Patrice was immediately taken back to a time when Cliff Richard was crooning about living dolls being locked up in a trunk ‘so no big hunk can take you away from me' and she spent a long time reflecting upon the similarities between her life and that of the Fritzl family.

“Rosemarie Fritzl and I are the same age and had the same miserable marriage to a dominating man of the same age,” says Patrice. “We also had the same number of children and celebrated the same empty nest year in 1984 - the year that Elisabeth was incarcerated in the Amstetten cellar as a sex slave – a locked up living doll.”

“I wondered why Rosemarie didn’t take advantage of the empty nest to seek divorce, as I did, resulting in my enjoying 24 years of independence, now a blissful retirement,” says Patrice. “That Rosemarie chose to suffer 24 years of further domination and dependence, rather than seek freedom, is the prime reason why poor Elisabeth was locked up, and now Rosemarie has an old age ahead of her to spend wallowing in guilt, misery and shame.”

"Rosemarie’s behavior is decidedly bizarre – but so is the whole family’s,” says Patrice. “Elisabeth had several older siblings as well as aunts and uncles – why didn’t they worry about Elisabeth’s sudden disappearance in 1984 and mount some sort of campaign to find her?”

“Rosemarie is either mentally defective -- and thus cannot be blamed for a situation she enabled -- or she is guilty, if only of turning a blind eye to a heinous crime on the basis that when Fritzl was raping her 11 year old daughter, or someone else, she was being spared that ordeal herself or having to leave her comfort zone to do something about it.”

“Maybe she was the original locked up Fritzl doll?”

“To avoid an accomplice charge or guilt by association, I believe Rosemarie will play the thick as a plank card for all it’s worth," sighs Patrice. “She will do everything possible to come out of this smelling like the proverbial rose, but her image has been irreparably tarnished.”

Read more by Patrice on this issue:

hunks, trunks and living dolls

Josef Fritzl and Sex Addiction

the bearded man in the sky

empty nest divorce time

Rosemarie Fritzl a Protective Crab?

what’s civilized about western men?

fritzl wives

rosemarie fritzl's bad decision

Was Rosemarie Fritzl Blameless?

the cliff richard generation

dependence enables evil

are sex addicts evolutionary dinosaurs?

incest horror

sourpuss ex, sugar daddy

Calypso is 38 and still smarting from a divorce that had a most unfortunate consequence - estrangement from her daughter.

Her ex became a sugar daddy towards her daughter, but a sourpuss towards her.

"I doted on my daughter and it really pleased me to give her every opportunity to shine," says Calypso. "I wanted her to be able to support herself and make it on her own without needing to live her life through a man who could possibly end up abusing her - like her father did to me."

"My daughter, unfortunately, was more influenced by her father than by me," says Calypso. "She fell for the myth of having it all - an independent career as well as love, kids and marriage - but, more than anything, it seems, she wanted the best that money could buy. And, of course, her father could afford to indulge her every whim."

"After her father and I divorced he became a sourpuss ex towards me and a sugar daddy towards her," says Calypso. "He laid the dollars on thick and fast, bought her a car, paid for her overseas trips, threw her lavish parties, made her a wealthy director of one of his businesses and ultimately set her up with a house when she married."

"I didn't begrudge her any of this - even though I was struggling to support myself on a pittance - because it was better that he spent the money that was rolling in on her rather than on call girls," says Calypso, "but I did take umbrage at the price she was willing to pay for the things her father bought her - and that price was perpetual denigration and abuse of me."

"It's bad enough when a man behaves abusively towards a woman," says Calypso  "but when an adult daughter joins forces with her father to abuse her mother the situation becomes surreal - what mother wants to see her adult daughter turn into an abusive monster?"

"She became a willing and enthusiastic helper in my ex-husband's vendetta against me for daring to divorce him," explains Calypso. "Children don't 'own' parents any more than parents 'own' children or husbands 'own' wives, and when my daughter started behaving abusively towards me - as if she had every right to do so - I couldn't believe that she was capable of such abusive behavior."

"Effectively, my daughter quite happily sold her soul - and a mutually enhancing relationship with me - for the good life."

"That good life came about largely through his previous marriage to me," explains Calypso. "He was a failed, penniless student fully supported by his family when I married him. It was my savings that paid the deposit on our house, it was my wage that paid off the mortgage, and it was with my help with the written work that finally got him through college. By the time he'd graduated, set up his own businesses and was on the verge of making big money - our marriage was on the rocks."

"And our marriage hit the rocks because the man got too big for his boots," explains Calypso. "He thought he was the cleverest person on earth and owed nothing to me or anyone else. He ignored everything I had done to help him and actually called me 'stupid'. He had achieved his ambitions and was finally the king of the castle and wanted to relegate me to an inferior slave position rather than the equal partners we'd always been."

"It was as if he had wiped out all of those years we had struggled together," sighs Calypso. "He wanted me to walk behind him, to be a little wife, to worship him as some sort of god, and this was too much for me to handle."

"In the divorce, we split everything equally, but there wasn't much at that stage," says Calypso. "I didn't care that he was on his way to make big money. I didn't marry him for money and I wasn't divorcing him for money, either. Whatever he made after we split, he was welcome to it. Sure, he kicked up a terrible fuss. It was like: How dare I divorce him! "

"After the divorce, there was no way I could compete with him - nor did I wish to - buying my daughter the things she wanted," says Calypso. "My friendship wasn't good enough for her - she wanted a doormat mother like her father wanted a doormat wife - and when her efforts to belittle me and force me to reconcile with her father failed and he married a woman not much older than her she subsequently dealt me the cruelest of blows. She shunned me as her mother and demanded that her father's new wife take the traditional seat of the bride's mother at her church wedding."

"I was very hurt but I didn't hate her for what she did to me," adds Calypso. "She was old enough to make her own decisions in life and as such she must live with their consequences."

"I appreciate that my frugal way of living - in comparison to her sugar daddy's lavish lifestyle - was not something she aspired to emulate," says Calypso. "In gaining freedom from her father I necessarily had to give up the good life. In wanting a slice of the good life with her father, she, apparently, had to give up a relationship with me. It was the price he made her pay."

"The price I paid for my freedom was poverty," says Calypso, "but poverty is always relative. Compared to a millions of people in third world countries, I am rich. And, amazingly, the more things I give up the freer I become. Things can enslave as much as people can."

"It's occurred to me, too, that my daughter may end up paying far more than a good relationship with me," sighs Calypso. "If her father's new wife divorces him and takes him to the cleaners - as she is likely to do - he won't be a sugar daddy any more and may start making further demands on my daughter."

"The world is full of bitter and twisted elderly people who curse their children for failing to take care of them in their old age," says Calypso. "It's common to hear the lament 'after all I did for them'. When you do things for people expecting a 'price' to be paid - as my sourpuss ex did for our daughter - then you are putting yourself and them in an unhealthy relationship. I believe that if you can afford to give, give freely, otherwise don't give at all - but her father, like a typical businessman - wants more than a pound of flesh."

"Their relationship is unhealthy and I wouldn't be surprised if deep down my daughter feels uncomfortable about what she has done - and may be required to do in the future," says Calypso, "but right now she is doing very well financially and socially from the dastardly deal she made with her sugar daddy."

"It's ironic that the poor parent who makes no demands on children is the one who ends up being reviled, and the rich one who makes incredible demands ends up being honored," muses Calypso. "That estrangement from my daughter was a most unfortunate and unexpected consequence of the decision I made, is something I have to live with, too, I guess."

"No, I'm not interested in getting married again - freedom is precious," says Calypso, "and I avoid like the plague dating any man with a daughter."

puzzled minds and abuse

For two days after a disturbing telephone call from her adult son, Glynnis, 59, felt troubled. She tried to fill her mind with happy thoughts by doing simple 'calming' things - but nothing worked.

"The last thing I said to him, before he ended the telephone call, was that I felt like a knife had been stuck into me, that someone hates me and wants to kill me," says Glynnis. "I didn't infer it was him - and he didn't take it that way. I just told him how I felt. It was an incredibly strange feeling."

"Although my son's call was about a problem he was having with his father, I wasn't thinking about the hell that man put me years ago," explains Glynnis. "I was fully in the present - the past is over - and I was wondering what I had done to deserve my son trying to drag me into a situation that had nothing to do with me."

"He knows full well that I don't want to hear his father's name any more and that whatever problems he has with the man he should handle them with him, not me," says Glynnis, "so I was looking at this situation as being strictly between my son and I, nobody else."

"I spent two days trying to take my fair share of responsibility for the disturbing telephone call. "says Glynnis. "Sure, I listened to what he had to say when I had a choice to tell him to stop; I replied to his accusations when I had the choice to say nothing; and I basically tolerated his continuing insensitive behavior when I had the choice to hang up. I concluded that nothing I could have done would have changed anything. He telephoned me - I didn't telephone him - so the ball was essentially in his court, and once he lobbed it into my guts I would have felt hurt no matter what I did - whether I told him to stop, said nothing or hung up. A dirty deed had been done and I was at the receiving end of it."

"All I could do was take responsibility for my feelings," explains Glynnis. "But I was taking responsibility for something I didn't understand. I was blaming myself for something I didn't do. I was feeling bad about myself for no reason whatsoever. I felt guilty, but I had no idea what I had done to feel guilty about. My conscience was clear, so why was I so troubled?"

"In short, I was experiencing all of the classical symptoms of being a victim in an abusive relationship."

"Because I had been in control of my life for such a long time I suppose I thought I was immune to being deeply hurt by anyone's abuse," explains Glynnis. "Sure, lots of people have said and done hurtful things to me over the years since my divorce - it's almost de rigeur at work for the young upstarts to put down the oldies like me - but the hurt is always superficial, it doesn't last long."

"Also, I felt safe with my son," explains Glynnis. "I didn't expect him to abuse me, and because I didn't expect him to behave this way I suppose I didn't want to recognize the signs."

"Had the call come from anyone else, the 'abuse shield' would have gone up and I would have terminated the call at the first sign of trouble," explains Glynnis. "There are very few people I take calls from without the 'abuse shield', and my son is one of them. I was totally trusting of him - totally at his mercy - and he took advantage of my vulnerability."

"By the time the pieces of the puzzle had well and truly fallen into place I felt really bad," says Glynnis. "It just goes to show that once you've been abused - no matter how long ago it was - you just can't afford to lift the 'abuse shield' on anybody."

wicked old witches

In all families and communities there is always a wicked old witch, a scapegoat who gets blamed for everything, and the last thing Elsie, 68, wants in her old age is this unfortunate mantle falling upon her.

"I may be old but I am not wicked and I am not into witchcraft," says Elsie, "and I am not going to allow anyone to get away with blaming me for their problems."

"When my youngest daughter approached me recently trying to manipulate me into reconciling with my eldest daughter whose marriage was in trouble," says Elsie, "I stood my ground and respectfully asked her to consider the damage she was doing to her relationship with me when she drags the problems of her big sister into her conversations with me."

"My health isn't the best right now as the result of endless problems - and my youngest daughter knows that," says Elsie, "so the last thing I need right now is more stress - and I certainly object to her dragging me back to the hell of ten years ago and accusing me of being to blame for her sister's problems."

"With no money and a host of problems to deal with I'm not much fun to be these days," sighs Elsie. "I can appreciate that her big sister's family is better capable of enhancing my youngest daughter's life than I am. I can appreciate, too, that it must be difficult for her to remain impartial, or to defend me, when they're running me down, blaming me for their problems and probably brainwashing her into blaming me for things that I may not be going well in her own life right now. But it's sad to think of her allowing them to manipulate her into upsetting me. I'd like to believe that my youngest daughter is incorruptible - but maybe she's not so strong after all."

"And maybe this whole thing about her big sister is really about her - but she cannot bring herself to tell me what it is," says Elsie. "Whatever, I refuse to take on the mantle of guilt for how my children's lives have panned out."

"I told my youngest daughter that by taking her reconciliation beliefs to logical extremes, she will next be hassling me to have a 'friendly' relationship with her father - who deserted me - too," says Elsie. "She denied that, and yet conceded that even if her sister and I agreed to reunite it would ultimately lead to my being blamed for other decisions she may be in the process of making - such as divorcing her husband."

"I told my youngest daughter something she didn't know - that her big sister's marriage was in trouble from the start," confides Elsie. "My eldest daughter was having an affair with another man within weeks of her wedding vows at church. No doubt her husband was behaving similarly - just like mine did - but at the time I didn't want to hear about her excuses. Marriage is a solemn decision, whether in church or not, and despite being shocked by the behavior of my eldest daughter, I had no right to impose my beliefs on her. Similarly, when she had an abortion prior to marriage I listened without judgment, even though I had offered to help her by looking after the child. It was her life, her decision."

"My decision to break a relationship with my eldest daughter came about much later," explains Elsie. "It wasn't bitter and twisted. She knows I love her, and in loving her I just allowed her to live her own life, one that won't hurt me. I was fed up being poked fun at, blamed and generally treated like a scapegoat by her, her husband and his family."

"A reconciliation now would allow my eldest daughter to use me as a scapegoat again," sighs Elsie. "By blaming me for what she may intend to do - divorce her husband - she will escape responsibility, blame and guilt. I don't want to be labeled an evil, interfering old witch of a mother-in-law, and I certainly don't want to endure years of abusive hassling from her husband and children - and other relatives of his - for the undeserved crime of breaking up his family."

"It's likely that I'll get blamed for whatever she does - whether I am in her life or not," sighs Elsie, "but at least while I am out of her life I am spared from the stress of being directly involved."

a son seeks forgiveness

Lilith is 68 and was surprised when her son, aged 50, made contact after being out of her life for thirty years. He wanted to beg her forgiveness for being a bad son.

"The last time I saw Jimmy he was a young man of twenty - he's now 50, a grown man just eighteen years younger than myself," explains Lilith, "and in many respects he's a total stranger."

"Rekindling a mother-son relationship after thirty years is neither something I was prepared for nor something I particularly wanted," sighs Lilith, "but now that it has happened I am hopeful that a friendship, of sorts, will develop."

"In the past, Jimmy was ashamed of me as soon as he was old enough to understand we weren't like other families," explains Lilith, "and while it was really hard for me - as a young single mother - to accept that my little boy didn't love me I never blamed him for treating me badly."

"It was a real shock to hear from Jimmy after all those years," says Lilith. "When he left home thirty years ago he made it plain that he didn't want me in his life any more and I never forced myself on him like some mothers do. I just let him go and wished him well."

"Apparently Jimmy had got 'religion' later on in his life and pangs of guilt had caused him to make contact with me," explains Lilith. "I suppose I should have been overjoyed to hear from him but under the circumstances I felt very uncomfortable with the situation."

"Jimmy started by spouting religion at me and talking about falling short of God's standards. He confessed to making cruel judgments of people - especially the way he had spent his life judging me"

"I realize that his making contact and begging forgiveness from the people he had judged was part of some sort of enlightenment program he was on," says Lilith, "and if it made him happy to unburden his so-called sins on me then so be it that the price I had to pay was discomfort."

"I can appreciate that a process of going back to your roots and putting things right is sometimes necessary in order to move on in life - in a religious program as well as in a spiritual path of self-healing," says Lilith. "I did the same sort of thing myself many years ago but the difference between Jimmy's religious program and my spiritual path of self-healing was one of confrontation."

"I never confronted anyone begging their forgiveness or contrition," explains Lilith. "I could never do what Jimmy did. It just doesn't seem right to me to go back thirty years and rake up the past in direct confrontation with people who probably don't even remember you or whatever it was they were supposed to have done to you, or you to them."

"I am not a religious person - I am a spiritual person, or just a realist," explains Lilith. "I believe that we must make the most of the good and bad cards we have been dealt by life and take responsibility for how we play them. Judging others, blaming them or confronting them is a waste of time. Sure, I was guilty of trying with some people, but they just humiliated me more by laughing at me, and it's not something I ever do now. I just walk away and forget them."

"If there's one thing I've learned it's that holding grudges against people binds them to you - keeps them in your life when they should be out of it completely," says Lilith. "That's how I felt about Jimmy's dad when he left me pregnant and penniless. And that's how I felt about Jimmy when he walked all over me for twenty years like a rotten spoilt brat and then disappeared from my life."

"I didn't want to live a bitter and twisted life," explains Lilith. "I took responsibility for what had happened to me and I didn't blame either Jimmy or his dad. They were on their path and I was on mine, and when paths cross there are always going to be winners and losers."

"I'm a bit skeptical about the forgiveness thing. Forgiving usually means allowing people to get away with murder and feel good about themselves afterwards - possibly coming back into your life to screw you over even more."

"I prefer forgetness," explains Lilith. "It's a process of accepting that I was dealt a bad card and taking responsibility for playing that card the best way I can so that I can get on with my life and forget about it."

"As far as forgiving is concerned, I believe the only person I can ever really forgive is myself - for placing myself in positions where others can abuse me." says Lilith. "I believe adults should take responsibility for what happens in their relationships. It takes two to tango, doesn't it?"

"Jimmy believes you get over bad incidents by 'forgiving' the people who've hurt you but there's no way I would want his father, for instance, to come back into my life, confront me and ask my forgiveness!"

"If Jimmy's dad confronted me and asked forgiveness - I'd not give it to him because he doesn't deserve it," says Lilith. "His coming back into my life would act to undo all my forgetting. It would be horrible after all these years to be forced to remember all the bad things he did to me when I was a vulnerable young girl."

"Jimmy's got nothing to ask my forgiveness for - all the childish spoilt brattish things he did to hurt me were things he had to do, I suppose, in order to become a man."

"He thinks that 'forgetting' means bottling things up and festering with hatred and that's so far far from the truth in my case that it's funny," laughs Lilith.

"After Jimmy's father and I split up I filled my life with so many happy new memories that it was easy to forget all the unhappy old memories. It's like the old saying - the best revenge is a good life - but I certainly didn't have revenge on my mind. I just believed I deserved a good life after the bad times Jimmy's dad put me through."

"Life isn't black and white, and forgetting doesn't mean unforgiving any more than forgiving means unforgetting," laughs Lilith. "I can't see how you can unforget a person any more than you can unforgive them. In a way, I suppose that once you've forgotten a person you've essentially forgiven them - not consciously mind you, I'd never do that - but deep down in your soul where it matters."

"My own childhood was pretty bad," admits Lilith, "and if I wanted to play the blame game I could blame my mother and father for everything that went wrong in my life. Sure, I regret that I didn't have a fairytale childhood, but my parents - like most parents - did the best they could in their own dumb way just like I did, I suppose, when my turn came."

"Very few of us are dealt good parents and while there's not much we can do about it when we're kids, we are blessedly relieved of this burden when we're old enough to leave home, forget them and make our own lives."

"Sure, we all carry scars of our childhoods, but it's up to us whether we choose to open those scars and let the wounds bleed forever or choose to accept the scars, forget them and make the most of what we do have going for us."

"Jimmy was always resentful that he didn't have a father like most of the other kids," says Lilith, "and I suppose I spoilt him to make up for what I couldn't give him but I always encouraged him to be independent, to get on with his life, to make his friends his family, to put his past behind him and to be his own best friend."

"When Jimmy contacted me I told him that there's nothing he had to ask my forgiveness for," says Lilith. "For thirty years he had done exactly what I had encouraged him to do and I was really surprised that he felt guilty about being a lousy son to me."

"The act of bringing kids into the world requires parents to be responsible for raising them as best they can. No kid asks to be born and as such there's no responsibility on them to be perfect in every way or to reward parents for carrying out their responsibilities."

"Unlike all other relationships, the parent-child contract is a one-way deal - isn't it?" asks Lilith. "Until the child becomes an adult a parent has to grin and bear a lot of stuff."

"I know the bible talks about 'honoring thy father and mother' but it was written in times when children, like women, were family slaves - property rather than human beings. The more wives and children a man had, the better his prospects of being revered in his old age. And brutality was the norm in order to keep wives and children in check."

"These days, children have the right to divorce a parent if they fail in their responsibilities to raise them properly. Even smacking a child for misbehavior is now a crime. To be honored as a father or mother is therefore neither a God-given right nor something every parent deserves. And that makes good sense to me."

"Compared with the grief that other children brought upon their parents, the problems Jimmy gave me were miniscule and were more a result of my circumstances as a single mother than anything directly related to him," says Lilith.

"In other words, when two people are raising a child the troubles are shared. When one person is doing the job of two, the burden can become oppressive. And when the child is openly resentful and ashamed of you - like Jimmy was with me - the burden can be doubly oppressive."

"Sure, Jimmy walked all over me for the first twenty years of his life," laughs Lilith, "but what kid doesn't feel at some time in his or her life that mothers are little more than doormats?"

"I never demanded love or respect or honor from Jimmy," says Lilith. "I just accepted him and did my best to raise him. When things got bad I'd remind myself that he'll grow up and leave one day - and when he did I breathed a sigh of relief for a job well done."

"If Jimmy's religious program required him to track down his father and make similar pleas of forgiveness in relation to judging him as a bad father," sighs Lilith, "then I fear his religion may do him more harm than good."

"Some sleeping dogs should never be disturbed!"

"Jimmy's dad is likely to take advantage of the situation and make Jimmy feel guilty about things he shouldn't feel guilty about," sighs Lilith. "If anything, his father should be asking forgiveness of Jimmy for being such a lousy dad - not the other way around."

"I can see Jimmy's point that forgetting only works if you're not confronted with bad news every day - whereas forgiveness supposedly works all the time," muses Lilith. "But what about relationships where someone is constantly hurting you then saying sorry and you're constantly forgiving them?"

"That's what I'd call an abusive relationship, wouldn't you?"

"When you forget someone you necessarily want them out of your life - when you forgive someone they get to feel that you must need them badly, and that's when real abuse can set in."

"Jimmy feels that forgiving heals but how can you truly forget the damage done to you when you confront the abuser and give him power over you? Once an abuser always an abuser, I say."

"According to Jimmy, in order to heal past hurts you have to re-live the pain of whatever was done to you, and then you must forgive your abusers," sighs Lilith. "He says that by choosing to forget all the bad things in my life I am living in hell."

"Well, as much as I disagree with Jimmy I wouldn't dream of undermining his self-esteem and Christian beliefs by telling him otherwise," laughs Lilith. "But all the same I wonder how he would feel if I did my best to make him 'unforgive' all the people he's forgiven just like he's telling me to 'unforget' all the hurts I've experienced?"

"We all have our own ways of dealing with problems and I'm not saying that I am right and Jimmy is wrong," says Lilith. "All I'm saying is that I've seen more damage done by forgiving than by forgetting."

"Indeed, what did Jesus get for forgiving his oppressors?" asks Lilith. "Jesus got crucified and his oppressors lived a long and healthy life free of guilt because they had been forgiven. Oh, I know, the Christians say that Jesus died to save us all, but it's a strange religion that rewards forgiven sinners and punishes forgiving saints."

"As far as I can see, any relationship that involves saying sorry and begging forgiveness for abusive or grossly neglectful behavior is unhealthy."

"Typical of an abuser is the empty utterance of the word 'sorry' after each incidence of abuse," says Lilith. "Healthy relationships rarely use the word. There's no need for it. You can call someone after a thirty-year absence and say "Hi, how are you?" without adding "sorry I haven't called for so long" - unless, of course, you deliberately delayed calling them in order to make them feel worthless."

"Mark you, I didn't feel worthless when Jimmy said 'sorry' to me when he came back into my life," adds Lilith. "I don't believe his 'sorry' was insincere, but if he feels a need to say 'sorry' to me every time he makes contact with me from now on then something is terribly wrong and I need to be on the alert for some sort of abusive behavior coming my way."

"I'm smart enough to know that some real evil people lurk behind religions," winks Lilith, "and I don't know or care what Jimmy has done to reach for Jesus but as long as his path to heaven does not involve encroaching on my right to live what remains of my life in peace then he is welcome to keep in contact with me."

"Jimmy may be a grown man of 50," laughs Lilith, "but to me he's still the teenaged brat who felt I was not good enough to be his mother."

the inheritance

Hilda, a 70-year-old widow, has had several confrontations in the past with her daughter and son-in-law over money - specifically the remains of her husband's modest estate - and with failing health she's pained that these confrontations resolve nothing, leaving the road ahead increasingly uncertain for her.

"Our second last confrontation over her inheritance was very bitter, and I was hospitalized shortly after," explains Hilda. "After that, I didn't expect to hear from her for a long, long time - if ever. And that was okay with me because my daughter knows she has my blessing to cut loose, be free, live her own life, mind her own business and take full, adult responsibility for every decision she makes. At 35, you'd think she would have done that long ago, wouldn't you?"

"I didn't want her calling me out of 'duty' with an eye on her inheritance - that would be abhorrent," says Hilda. "It's not a requirement in my will that she must perform any duties in order to inherit and she knows that."

"If she's caught between pretending to care - which I'll see through - and accepting that she doesn't care," explains Hilda, "then she should be smart enough to let go and give me the right to live my last days in peace - and for eighteen months that seemed to be the case. I never heard from her and I was happy."

"I believe that when a mutually happy relationship can't exist between two people then freedom is truly the greatest gift each can give the other," says Hilda. "That may not be everyone's idea of the perfect gift - indeed, in today's crassly materialistic world, I'm sure it isn't - but without freedom what do you have?"

"Shackles and abusive relationships, that's what," sighs Hilda, "full of abuse, pleas for forgiveness and then more abuse and pleas of forgiveness until you're dead inside and the only person you need to forgive is yourself for putting up with it. And that would have been the most pessimistic outcome of the mess I found myself in with my daughter and son-in-law."

"At the time, I rationalized that if she disregards everything I told her and hassles me again then it will mean she has deliberately and willfully decided to abuse me," says Hilda. "Whether or not her husband encourages her in this vile act, the fact remains that the responsibility will be hers alone. It will be a decision she has made, coldly, cruelly and deliberately knowing full well how it will affect me. In wanting to destroy me - wanting to stress me to death - she will provoke me to protect myself."

"It will mean that she wants me to formally end the relationship - to tell her to get out of my life completely," sighs Hilda. "She will want to be able to blame me."

"In wanting me to end the relationship - cowardly bleating that I 'deserted' them by refusing to give them financial control over my life - she can feel self-righteous about her innate goodness and blame me for things for which she refuses to take responsibility - there has to be a payoff," sighs Hilda. "That payoff is 'lack of guilt' for what they intend to do to me next."

"Well, after eighteen months of peace - believing that my daughter had seen the light and was content to leave me alone," explains Hilda, "she turned up and put the bite on me again!"

"Apparently, she's pregnant again and wanted to put a proposition to me. I begged her not to continue but she disregarded my wishes and raved on about wanting to move to a bigger house and in order to finance this move she needed me to sell up, give the money to her and in return she would pay my rent somewhere else."

"I sat there speechless," says Hilda. "I didn't recognize the woman speaking to me from across the kitchen table who was arranging my life for her benefit - dancing on my grave, expecting to reap the full rewards of her inheritance, before I was even dead!"

"In the past she had put various financial propositions to me - using me or my house as guarantor or collateral for a variety of their financial enterprises," explains Hilda, "but I always said no, believing that she and her husband had all they needed to make it on their own. And the last time she had put the bite on me - eighteen months ago - I had made it pretty clear that if she hassled me again I would be forced, by health concerns, to end my relationship with her."

"I was deeply offended by her behavior this time around, and my heart was throbbing so fast that if I had to bear her presence for a minute longer I would surely have dropped dead," explains Hilda. "I had no alternative but to tell her to leave and never contact me again."

"She left defiantly and without any concern for my health."

"My first thought was regret that I didn't tell her this years ago and so spared myself this final humiliation," sighs Hilda. "But despite my insight into her total selfishness, I always held out hope that she would gain compassion in her maturity."

"Unfortunately, my hope was baseless and now that I have formally ended our relationship I am well aware that such ends do not necessarily stop the hassling - it just makes it anonymous and vicious," says Hilda. "If my daughter's intention is to stress me to death in order to gain her inheritance sooner than she is entitled to it - God help me - then the road ahead is truly bleak."

"In a David and Goliath type of struggle - such as that which I might be up against - a vulnerable old woman doesn't stand a chance," says Hilda. "but I do have a David-like sling-shot of some sorts. It won't save me from being hassled to death, but it will stop my daughter profiting from it."

"Her inheritance is nothing except my old house, falling apart at the seams, but it is nevertheless on land worth a bit of money," says Hilda. "If she blatantly continues to hassle me - or if strange things start happening, indicating subversive hassling - then I will immediately change my will, leaving everything to a charity with a proven record of being able to beat the relatives of the deceased in a court challenge."

"And, as my health fails, I will also run up ridiculous debts using the house as collateral."

"In effect, I will ensure that she gains nothing but hassles and debts from my untimely death," says Hilda. "And, having sorted out my plan of action for the worst possible scenario, I now don't feel as much as a loser as I first did when I thought of it."

"When my back is against the wall and death is imminent, and those who wish me dead appear to be winning," says Hilda, "I will continue to refuse my daughter the satisfaction of a win-lose victory. If she does not want a win-win relationship with me, then she will have a lose-lose one."

"And, in the event of my dying a violent death." says Hilda, "I will make sure that my doctor, lawyer, minister and friends know what is happening. Even if she were innocent - and my violent death was a random event, performed by a stranger with no knowledge of her - she would have a hard job convincing the police of her innocence."

"No matter what she has done, or will do, I will never hate my daughter," adds Hilda. "In my heart I forgive her, but in my head I am steadfast in doing whatever I need to do in order to live out my days in peace."

my crazy blonde sister

Renee first realized her big sister was mentally ill when a neighbor came to her school one day and demanded she come home and help her mother because Odette had supposedly committed suicide.

"I was fourteen and I remember being more embarrassed by that neighbor turning up at my school than anything else," confesses Renee.

"For one thing, Odette had only attempted to commit suicide and for another my mother didn't need me at all," says Renee. "That neighbor was a bigger drama queen than my sister and mother and I nearly died with embarrassment that the whole school now knew about my weird family."

"Sure, I knew that my mother and big sister were different from dad and I," says Renee, "but they were blue eyed blondes and dad and I were brown eyed brunettes and I always thought that this difference explained their drama queen behavior."

"Anyone with blue eyes and blonde hair - to me - was liable to act crazily and I just grew up believing that that sort of behavior was normal for them and cool calm collected behavior was normal for brown eyed brunettes."

"The neighbor who came to my school had red hair," laughs Renee, "and that was even worse than blonde hair. She was stark raving mad as far as I was concerned."

"On my way back home with that red-haired neighbor she told me that Odette had been rushed to hospital and that my mom was there with her."

"I didn't understand then why she needed to involve me and when I got home I understood her behavior even less."

"She just left me alone at my house and I had nothing to do but wait until my mother came back from the hospital."

"It was a four hour wait and during that time I imagined what life would be like if Odette died," says Renee.

"I didn't feel sad at all," confesses Renee. "In fact I also imagined what life would be like if my mom died, too, and that didn't make me sad either."

"I missed my dad - who was a long distance truck driver - and I had no idea whether he had been informed of Odette's demise."

"When mom came home she was crying uncontrollably and said that she's spoken to dad and he couldn't come home - or refused to come home - and she raved on about how hopeless he was and how she was going to divorce him and how beautiful Odette was and how ugly I was."

"I'd heard all this stuff before and it went in one ear and out the other," laughs Renee.

"Odette came home from hospital a week later and I was shocked by the change in her appearance and behavior," says Renee.

"She was very pale and withdrawn and it took a long time for me to discover why she had attempted to take her life."

"Odette was 17, three years older than me, and apparently some guy had dumped her and she couldn't take it," says Renee.

"That was to be the pattern of Odette's life from then onwards," sighs Renee.

"Whenever Odette suffered a setback she would pretend to slash her wrists or take an overdose of pills and upset everybody's life."

"I left home at 16 because I couldn't bear being around Odette and my mother and the crazy red-headed neighbor,"
confesses Renee.

"Odette still lives at home - heavily sedated on medication - and I feel very sorry for my father but I guess his job keeps him sane - he is rarely home for more than a few days."

"Mom always telephones me in histrionics every time Odette goes crazy but I don't listen to her," confesses Renee. "I just tell her that I am busy and put the phone down."

"I refused to tell mom and Odette where I work - only dad knows my work number -because I know they would embarrass me by telephoning me at work," says Renee, "but they still remain determined to embarrass me in any way they can."

"I had to move from my last apartment when mom and Odette visited without warning one day and finding me out they knocked on all of my neighbor's doors to find out where I was - telling them that it was an emergency, dad was sick, and I had to come home."

"I didn't even know my neighbors very well and I was so embarrassed when one by one they stopped me on the steps or outside the building to tell me to call my mom," relates Renee, "but when I called home dad was fine as I knew he would be."

"Worse still," sighs Renee, "one day my mom actually telephoned the police and told them that she couldn't reach me at home - which was a lie, she knew my home number - and two policemen arrived at my apartment telling me that I was needed urgently at home because Odette had overdosed."

"With great embarrassment I told them the truth - and they promised not to bother me again if my mother or Odette tried that trick again."

"Today," sighs Renee, "I was listening to the radio and I heard a call from a woman wanting her long-lost sister to contact her urgently because her father was dying - and I froze because I recognized the nature of the call.".

"No," laughs Renee, "the call had nothing to do with me but I felt awfully sorry for that long-lost sister because she had obviously become long-lost for a very good reason and it would have embarrassed her awfully to know that her name was being broadcast over the radio by a crazy sister like Odette."

shifts of power in family relationships

Kari, 44 and divorced, accepts that people who have absolute power over us - our parents when we are dependent children, and our governments and employers when we are adults - must be obeyed; but she most certainly does not accept that adult children in supposedly equal relationships with us must be obeyed.

"The dynamics between my son and I developed a similar pattern to those between his father and myself after the divorce," explains Kari. "There was a gradual shift in power - no doubt because he was male and considered himself to be superior to me."

"When the actions or decisions of people with absolute power over us serve them, but hurt or inconvenience us, we just have to adapt, pick ourselves up and got on with it," says Kari. "What else can you do when you have no power in these relationships?"

"As adults, though, we are afforded equal power and equal responsibility in all of our relationships," says Kari. "When the actions or decisions of these people serve them, but hurt or inconvenience us, we have the right of choice. We can adapt to their decisions if we want to - and choose to relinquish our power to them - but we can also choose to leave the relationship on the basis that it no longer operates in a mutually enhancing manner."

"Abuse in marriage is most likely to occur when the woman becomes pregnant," says Kari. "There is a shift in power when she becomes vulnerable and responsible for another little life. In these situations, if abuse occurs and the woman has no other means of support then she must necessarily relinquish her power in order to protect herself and child. This, essentially, is what I had to do when I fell pregnant."

"Nobody marries and has kids expecting abuse and misery, but if the worst scenario happens then we must take our fair share of responsibility for it and take appropriate action when we can," says Kari. "Once an abusive relationship starts, it never stops. Nobody who wants absolute power gives it up willingly. When an abused woman attempts to regain her share of the power in the relationship, the abuse escalates."

"I believe that some people are just power-hungry, incapable of maintaining a relationship affording equal power and equal responsibility," sighs Kari. "They want a master-slave relationship. I'm sure it's a genetic trait."

"Separation or divorce is the time-honored ethical and legal remedy for any type of abusive relationship - not just marriage," says Kari, "and it's for the good of both parties and anyone else on the side-lines. An abuser who has usurped absolute power in a relationship, though, is incapable of accepting this outcome and often murders those he considers his property or continues to hassle his victim forever."

"You read about it in the papers every day. Whole families being murdered by a crazed man - an ex-husband, an adult son or grandson - who just can't let go, can't accept that other people have equal rights in a relationship."

"Family relationships are the scariest of all," sighs Kari. "Controlling, possessive parents make lousy parents, and mothers, particularly, need to be extremely patient and ego-free during their children's adolescent years. But controlling and possessive teenagers and adult children can be a big problem, too."

"A relationship between adults that is not based on equal power and equal responsibility is not a relationship worth having, no matter who it is," says Kari. "After the divorce, my young son attempted to gain absolute power over me, just like his father did, but at the time I was 'trapped' by societal expectations of motherhood - I had to grit my teeth and put up with it until he was legally an adult."

"By then, I had good reason to fear all men," says Kari, "and it would have been far too dangerous for me to keep an abusive adult son living with me."

"Since he left home, I've noticed a gradual shift of power in our relationship - this time towards equality," says Kari, "so all may not be lost after all. And it just goes to show that two people must be on equal footing - with no 'traps' or 'societal expectations' or 'vulnerabilities' making one person less equal than the other - in order to have a good relationship."

the meddlesome cousin

Gabrielle is 32, a survivor of an abusive family as well as a violent ex-husband, and for the past four years she has been doing well on her own - getting her life together - but lately she has been feeling very uneasy about a long-lost cousin turning up in her life.

"I received a letter out of the blue from this cousin a few months ago," explains Gabrielle, "and immediately I felt uneasy. Just the fact that she claimed to be a 'born-again Christian' rang warning bells, but there was more to it than that."

"I should have ignored her letter and got on with my life," sighs Gabrielle, "but out of courtesy I replied wishing her well with her new faith and future aims. Apparently, she was studying some psychology course part-time and wanted to become a therapist."

"It's true what they say about giving people an inch and they'll take a yard," laughs Gabrielle. "She followed up my reply with a telephone call and wanted to see me."

"I just didn't want to see her at all," sighs Gabrielle, "but she was so sweet and full of Christian joy and fellowship that I felt bad about refusing her request."

"She and I had shared some good times in the past," explains Gabrielle, "and despite the mostly bad times we had experienced in the family it seemed a shame not to give her a chance."

"I felt a bit uneasy with her when we met because although she was living with her boyfriend I had a feeling that she still remained part of the abusive extended family network that I'd escaped from years ago."

"She said nothing about them - she just talked about herself and her boyfriend and what she wanted to do with her life," explains Gabrielle, "but I still had a nasty gut feeling in her presence and was glad when she left."

"In the following weeks she left several messages on my answering service that I ignored, hoping she'd not call again," says Gabrielle, "but last weekend she caught me off guard and turned up at my place and presented me with a chocolate cake as a bribe!"

"Within minutes of her surprise visit it was pretty clear that she was trying to ingratiate herself - and by association everyone else - back into my life," says Gabrielle. "Either that, or maybe she wants to use me as some sort of case study for her psychology course."

"This time around she quite blatantly talked about the family and how she had forgiven them," explains Gabrielle. "And she brought up all the good times we had together. And all the while she was watching my reaction to everything she said, going on and on about the blessedness of forgiveness and the sanctity of family ties."

"It was nice reliving the good times, but I could not believe that this cousin of mine was actually sitting there in my living room saying sweet things about people who had abused her as well as myself - and expecting me to share her sanctimonous beliefs."

"Then, I was absolutely aghast when she told me that since her last visit with me she had spent the holidays with the family and had met and spoken with my father!"

"At the mention of his name I fell to pieces remembering with shame and humiliation what that man had done to me, and I was angry at her for pushing herself into my life - and my peaceful Saturday afternoon, at that - in order to rake all this stuff up. As far as I am concerned my father is dead - gone, buried and forgotten - and nobody has the right, nobody, to shove him back in my face."

"At first I thought she was crazy - in delusion from some religious or psychological dogma she had picked up," explains Gabrielle, "and maybe that is true - but there was more to it."

"She had several times mentioned how well I was doing - and had asked about property values and whether I had a mortgage and stuff like that."

"Maybe they are jealous of how well I am doing and want a piece of the action or - at the very least - to deprive me of my enjoyment of my labors?"

"Anyway, the crunch - for me - came when she left," explains Gabrielle.

"As she gave me a hug and kissed me goodbye she casually mentioned that my ex-husband was back in town, living just two suburbs away and she and her boyfriend had spent time with him just a few days before."

"This was no throw-away remark - this was the knife she wanted to stick in me."

"My ex-husband was a violent religious freak with fundamentalist ideas about the place of women and the rights of men in marriage," explains Gabrielle. "It wouldn't be hard for him to convince any religiously minded person that I was a bad woman for divorcing him."

"From her first visit my meddlesome cousin had picked up enough information from me to feed the hunger of all of my ex-abusers," sighs Gabrielle, "and on her second visit she came to let me know - in a very subtle fashion - that she had relayed everything about me to them."

"If the girl is crazy she may think that she is on a mission from God to make good all of my past bad relationships," says Gabrielle, "but whether she is crazy or just downright evil is neither here nor there."

"It's how I feel that matters," says Gabrielle, "and I feel bad about letting my cousin back into my life and allowing her to meddle in things that don't concern her, riding roughshod over my right to live a secure and peaceful life free of people I don't want in it."

"She had the gall to call me again and I told her straight that I didn't want any further contact with her."

"She said she was terribly hurt by my decision - but would respect it," says Gabrielle,"but I know better than that. Peace is something I've had to fight long and hard for in the past - and I know instinctively that I am now going to have to fight long and hard for it again. It was stupid of me to ignore my gut feelings when I received her letter, and it serves me right that I allowed her - and those behind her - to succeed in upsetting my life."