the family conference

Because her two sisters were working, Ellen – a stay home mom – had borne the brunt of care for their mother; but all that changed when she decided to return to work and, on her very first day in her new job, her mother had a fall, needing immediate attention, and precipitated a family conference.

“I decided that the best way to handle this crisis was to bring mom back home to live with me temporarily,” explains Ellen, “but that same night I telephoned by sisters and demanded a family conference about alternative care for mom.”

"I was a working woman now, just like my sisters," says Ellen, "and I was determined to make a success of my return to work job."

"At the family conference I laid down the law to my sisters," says Ellen. "Finally, we agreed to share the cost of paying for a personal care professional to take care of mom in her own home.”

“It works out well because the caregiver needed a place to live, and she provides companionship for mom, too."

"However, with the additional expense of sharing the costs of mom's caregiver," sighs Ellen, "I'm really not saving much from my income at all.”

“Returning to work involves a lot of expenses I never had before - commuting, business clothing, buying lunch, etc - and it's amazing how fast my money gets spent."

"I'm really upset that for the ten years I was looking after mom while my sisters worked, they contributed nothing towards her care. It doesn't seem fair, does it?"

“Maybe I should call another family conference and suggest some sort of back pay for all the years I took care of mom,” says Ellen. “Either that, or the shared costs need to be paid according to our income, not split into thirds as originally agreed when I was in crisis mode.”

“The more I think about it, the more I think my sisters took unfair advantage of me,” says Ellen. “I hate to think about costs and burdens in respect of our mother, but unfortunately that’s what it all boils down to.”

Read more about Ellen:

family vs work

a relic from the past

daughter raised to take care of mom

Ruth is 35, unmarried, childless and lives with her arthritic mother, 72, as her caregiver and claims that she was raised to put her mom’s needs before her own.

“When I was a little girl my mother would hurl invective at me, calling me useless and stupid,” says Ruth, “but what really hurt was listening to her telling me over and over again that I was ugly and that no man would ever want to marry me.”

“When you hear things like when you’re a little girl, and you hear them often enough, they stick,” says Ruth. “Mom was manipulating me from the start to ensure that when I grew up I had no other choice in life but to stay with her and take care of her in her old age.”

“Now that I’ve lost my job and she is becoming abusive again – demanding that I get another job quick smart and keep her supplied with little luxuries – I can see the basis of our relationship so much clearer,” says Ruth. “She doesn’t care about me, she just cares about herself.”

“Recognizing a pattern is the first step in breaking it,” says Ruth, “and now that I have gained insight into my toxic relationship with my mother I know that I need to take care of myself first and foremost.”

“My mother never had a problem taking care of herself first and foremost – especially at the expense of a little girl, me, who she should have been cherishing not treating as a doormat to be her slave in old age,” says Ruth, “and while I have no wish to be vindictive, I am definitely using this period of my life – when I don’t have a job to distract me – to sort things out with her for once and for all.”

“My mother has abused me for far too long,” says Ruth. “My survival depends upon believing in myself and being with people who support a positive outlook on life, because without it I can easily slip into irrational guilt and suicidal thoughts.”

Read more of Ruth’s story:

suicidal caregiver


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