step-parent abuse

Mallory, 24, comes from a broken home and had the misfortune to experience a lecherous stepfather (her mom's new husband) and a jealous stepmother (her dad's new wife) but, unlike the two babies recently in the news who died from traumatic experiences, she had the good fortune to be old enough to tell someone about the abuse when she found herself in a position where a step-parent was harming her.

"I was eight years old when my parents split up and married new partners," explains Mallory, "and if it weren't for my teachers at school who encouraged us to talk about our families I probably would have had a much harder time."

"Whenever I read about a step-child being harmed by a step-parent I become very angry," sighs Mallory. "I know traumatic abuse happens in intact families, too, but the thought of an outsider harming someone else's child is just abominable."

"And when the child is just a baby, unable to speak and seek help, it is just so abominable I want to scream -- how could anybody do such a thing and why didn't the real mother or father, or neighbors or extended family stop it?"

"Two evil step-parents were in the news recently and I hope they rot in hell for torturing their little step-children to death," says Mallory. "The first case was in England and the second in New Zealand."

"In the first case, Sumairia Parveen started a relationship with her cousin after walking out on her husband with a child of her own, and saw her cousin's 17-month-old baby son, Tahla Ikram, as a threat."

"This wicked stepmother showered love on her own daughter, but subjected the baby boy to agonizing trauma and torture in which the boy's father was an accomplice, once beating his son with a plastic cricket bat on her orders."

"The baby had multiple fractures and bruises, his limbs were twisted and pulled, he was burnt with a cigarette and his leg was sliced open exposing tendons and veins."

"The baby had once been put into temporary care after police found him home alone," says Mallory, "but amazingly nobody recognised his mounting injuries as systematic abuse. Each time he was taken to hospital he saw a different doctor and the stepmother lied about how he received his injuries."

"That is exactly what my step-parents did when authorities questioned them about abusing me," says Mallory. "Even my real parents refused to believe that their new partners were abusing me. They lied and lied and when it came down to believing an adult, or believing me, the adult won all the time -- but my teachers believed me and persisted in speaking to my parents about the way I was being treated by their partners and eventually the abuse stopped, but it was still very traumatic for me to continue seeing them."

"Sumairia Parveen and her cousin Abid Ikram are now in prison but not for murder," sighs Mallory. "Both got off with 'causing or allowing the child's death' and isn't this a disgusting perversion of justice? Probably, with good behavior, they'll be home free within a year and dancing on the grave of little Tahla Ikram -- and, to add insult to injury, the stepmother gave birth to another child in prison who, because of consanguinity, is likely to grow up an even worse monster. Aren't there laws about this sort of thing?"

"The other case was in Rotorua, New Zealand," says Mallory. "The life support system on three-year-old Nia Maria Glassie was finally turned off after she had been in a traumatic coma since July 22."

"In the months before she died Nia's 17-year-old stepfather (and his friends) allegedly hung her on a rotary clothes line and spun it until she flew off, put her in an ice-cold bath and then in a hot clothes dryer, used her for wrestling practice and left her screaming on the roof of a house."

"The case has yet to go to trial," says Mallory, "and there wasn't much said about her mother -- and where she was when the abuse happened -- but Nia's father lives overseas so the little girl obviously came from a broken family."

"While these cases are in the news there will be public outrage and wagging fingers," says Mallory, "but within weeks the shocking abuse and death of these little babies will be forgotten and behind closed doors step-parent abuse -- and real parent abuse -- will continue unabated on other babies."

"Doctors and hospitals are too busy to notice systematic abuse -- or don't want to get involved or just don't care," says Mallory. "It is only when a child gets to school that something gets done to help the child -- providing the poor little thing lives long enough to start school."

"Right now I'm in a relationship with a man from a loving family -- so I know that good families do exist," says Mallory, "but when I read stories like this and check the rising divorce statistics I feel very scared about getting married and having kids."

"My own childhood experience of a broken home -- and step-parent abuse -- is a huge risk factor and very difficult to overcome," says Mallory. "And it's not just divorce I worry about. My husband could die and my children and I might end up in a step-family situation that way."

"There's no way I would be an abusive stepmother to any child of a second husband, but you just can't say that about the other person, can you?"

"I coudn't risk something traumatic happening to any child of mine," says Mallory, "so the best thing I can do is not have children, right?"

sponging on parents

Julia is 21 and for two years - until she was laid off work - she had enjoyed an enviable lifestyle as an independent young woman about town. Denied the highly inflated income she had once received, Julie believes her parents have a duty to support her while she continues to maintain the lifestyle she has grown accustomed to.

One of the new generation of whiz kids, Julia had left home at 18 after gaining a job as a computer technician. There was nothing about computers she did not know. She knew far more than her employer and the older workers at the company, and was paid a generous wage commensurate with her ability.

With more money than she had ever seen before in her life, she struck out on her own shortly after joining the company and shared an apartment with two friends. Julia was soon able to afford to buy a late model automobile and generally spent everything she earned on living expenses, clothes, games and DVDs.

When Julia was forced by job loss to return home two years after she had left, she was already traumatized by job loss and she suffered a greater trauma in the days, weeks and months that followed re-adjusting to being an adult child dependant on her parents for care.

Going from independence to dependence was a rock bottom career transition for Julia and she spent the first few weeks in bed, suffering a bad cold and various other complaints that were nothing more than manifestations of the stress and humiliation she felt from losing a job and being forced to return home.

Her parents, Rob and Janet, were traumatized by the situation, too, but it was far more traumatizing for Julia.

"They treated me like an invader," complains Julia. "They had turned my bedroom into a study, and nagged me about leaving my stuff around the house. I was so ill but they didn’t seem to care."

Rob and Janet did resent that their home was no longer the haven they had made for themselves, and they also were perplexed that the daughter they once doted upon had turned into a young woman full of bitterness for what had happened to her.

"They said that my presence in the home was like a wet blanket," complains Julia. "Imagine how I felt hearing that sort of thing when I’d just lost my job."

Gradually Julia recovered from illness and with Rob and Janet's constant insistence to pull herself together she very reluctantly started to look at job ads.

"I was in no mood for it," explains Julia. "I may have recovered physically from the stress of losing my job, but I hadn’t recovered emotionally from the experience. I was very depressed and had lost a lot of my former high self-esteem."

After endless demoralizing rejection slips and soul-destroying interviews, Julia reluctantly accepted a job offer. It was not what she wanted, but it pleased Rob and Janet that she was working. The job did not pay as well as her previous job so Julia was forced to remain living with her parents.

Like a typical young person, Julia is messy and lazy when it comes to helping with chores. She comes and goes at all hours of the day and night, and avoids contact with her parents. She would love to have a place of her own again, but cannot see how she can ever afford it on her new wages. She has not offered to help pay for expenses and Rob and Janet are not going to press the point.

"Mom is just happy I have a job and I’m out of her hair all day," laughs Julia.

Ideally, Rob and Janet want Julia to return to school and gain a degree, but Julia does not believe it would advance her job prospects one iota. She has friends who went to university, gained a degree and have not even had one job bite. She only gained her present low-paying job in a computer store because she has two years of work experience to her credit.

Julia hates serving customers in a shop. She would much prefer to be doing technical work. She no longer has enough money to buy all the things she once enjoyed, and she feels a bit guilty about squandering what money she does get on her car and entertainment rather than contributing towards the household expenses.

Most of all, though, Julia hates living at home and she really misses the freedom of independent living.

Her basic attitude towards her parents is: "They are my parents, they should support me"; "They are richer than I am, they can afford to support me"; and "I wouldn't be living at home if I could afford to support myself". Overall, she thinks life ‘sucks’.

Julia appreciates that her parents aren’t rich - they’re just ordinary working people - and she also feels a bit guilty that the overseas holiday they were planning has been shelved because of her unexpected return home.

She also knows that her dad misses his study - there are only two bedrooms in the house and Rob had converted her old bedroom into a study when she left - and she doesn’t need to be reminded that her mom loathes looking at her messy room with clothes strewn all over the place.

Both Julia and her parents are aware that she may be home for a long, long time and they are all gradually re-adjusting to the situation.

However, this time around it is more a ‘her against us’ focus rather than ‘happy families’ and while the dynamics in this scenario involve the personal traits of the three protagonists, it’s a scenario being played out all around the world as more and more young adults are forced by the volatile job market and big spending habits to return home and lose their independence.

This is clearly a family in trouble and while Julia deserves commiserations she might have learned a lesson from her previous job loss and got real about life values rather than sponging on her parents and trying to maintain a lifestyle she can no longer afford.